When you’re in the middle of tough, rocky days, you don’t think they’ll ever end.

Just like in the middle of a potentially heated conversation — you don’t know how to keep it from getting worse, you’re SO tempted to say just one more thing, and you’re not going to make it without things boiling over.

So I’m digging a post hole and it’s not going well. Until it does. Here’s a reminder of what we all know, but so easily forget, about tough days and heated conversations . . .

And I’d love for you to leave a comment and share what you think  . . .

In 1985 my wife’s husband was 34 years old, an alcoholic who drank 3 quarts of beer a day, fell asleep on the floor every night at 7 pm, no college degreee, no training or skills, no ambition, no motivation. He was lost, apart from God, unemployed half the time, drove an old Chevy Vega with a driver side door that flew open every time you made a right turn, never seemed to get around to fixing it. He drank behind her back and lied about it and she learned she couldn’t trust him.

My wife lived with this man in a 900 sf house with lots of arguing, mostly because he was clueless on how to be married or raise kids. He had vowed to himself not to have children until he ‘figured out how to be an adult’ but he never did and here they were, two daughters 11 and 8. (If you don’t already know them, the 11 year old was Myquillyn, and the 8 year old was Emily.)

This was normal for a long time.

This was my wife’s life.

I was the husband.

That’s how our family started, and how it went for the first 12 years or so of our marriage. No one had any reason to believe anything would ever change.

It changed.

It changed not overnight but over time.

Today our marriage majors on grace and patience and caring more for the other person than for ourselves. Most of our arguments are over giving the other person their way – yes, we argue over sacrificing for each other. We’re absolute best friends, and trust dominates and creates an inviting vibe in our home. Disagreements are brief and hardly an inch deep. We share a rich connection as a family between our daughters, their husbands, and their kids. And people seem to notice.

I love it, and that may be  good place to start: how do you feel about your family?

Wish I could say “Here’s how we did it! Follow these steps!” But it’s not that kind of thing. I don’t know exactly how we got here.

It’s more of a “Here’s what we do now” kind of thing. And I CAN describe that.

It turns out, humans don’t use explanations to make change happen. They change, and then try to explain it.

~ Seth Godin

I can share the attitudes we embrace now, and what the behavior looks like that is consistent with those attitudes. I can show you how a family like ours thinks and feels, and how we mess up, and I can try to help you connect the dots of that with your family. Maybe you’ll see something that fits for a family like yours.

I believe if my family can get here with the start we had, then your family can get somewhere unimaginably good, too.

You can get there no matter where you are now. And if you’re at a good place now, well, we want it to keep getting better, right? I sure do.

I believe – and this is important – that your attitudes and expectations shape your family. Change your attitudes and expectations, and your family changes.

Positive emotions, such as compassion and patience, are teachable skills; and the way we think directly influences our experiences of the world

~ Sam Harris

I believe small steps lead to big changes over time.

I believe by perseverance the snail reached the ark.

I believe you can make hay in a season, but growing an oak takes years, and your family is an oak.

I believe everything in your world fits and is connected, even when it doesn’t make sense. You, your family, God, your hopes and dreams, all your challenges and disappointments.  The more you see how they fit together, the better your family relationships get. This place here is designed to help you and your family relationships to keep getting better over time.

And I believe one person – one human person – you – CAN make a difference.

I’ll do my best to help you make that difference.

You have hope, but hope is more than waiting and wishing. Hope involves you. You can’t wait for the right circumstances. You can’t wait for others to change and see the light. Hope means a different future – a future you can’t make happen, but a future that won’t happen without your contribution. Contributions like patience and not giving up. Refusing to keep score. Putting high expectations on yourself, not others.

This is not a parenting place, but it covers parenting.

It’s not a marriage place, but it covers marriage.

This is a place to help your whole family get along better

A place to help you make a difference and feel better about your family.

Your whole family is that group of relatives that you think most about – your spouse, kids, your brothers and sisters, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. All those in-laws and out-laws.

Whatever relatives are your greatest source of pleasure, pain, and concern, and who you want good for, that’s your family and this place is for you.

You could probably figure most of this out on your own by trial and error like me, but why make the same mistakes and take 20 years like I did?

It will still take time, just not as much. So this is a place where you’ll get the benefit of our experience and what we’ve learned, and you can start your journey to better family relationships way farther along than we were when we started. Or if you’re already in a great place, you can keep going from good to even better. And you can start right now.

For encouragement right now, pick something from below. Each is shorter than this article – if you read them all it might take you 15 minutes:

Stop doing this and every relationship you have will improve

You can’t change your family but you can woo their hearts

The Mr. Rogers method for beautiful calm in your family

For the estranged, hardly talking family

Why wooing the heart wins

Please read this

And oh yeah,

Four things my wife needs to remember I can’t do (and that your man can’t do either)

If you like plans, steps, and lists, this is for you. You’re probably saying, “finally.”

Let’s say you’ve read the last three posts. You’re doing your best to accept your family right where they are, and you accept your role to model what you want to see in your family. You see the value and power of attention and curiosity. You want to cooperate with God in what he’s up to in your family, and you’re even a bit excited to think of yourself as God’s access to your family

Now you’re ready to do something. You’re ready because there is now a much greater chance that what you’ll do is not your own idea, but God’s idea of what is good for your family.

But how do you know WHAT to do? You could just copy Johnny Cash’s to do list above. Or you can go through a little exercise that takes where we’ve been, runs it through a funnel, and spits specific actions for your family out the other end. It’s just one imperfect idea, but it’s the beginning of being purposeful.

1. Create a ‘My Family Dream List’

Your family is that combination of relatives that engage your heart and mind the most. From husband,wife, parents, kids, and siblings, to grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and beyond. Whichever ones you have hopes and dreams for.

So dream like you’re the all-powerful master of your family universe. Get all your hopes and desires out there. Don’t yet consider any obstacles or restrictions or negative thinking or reactions of others.

What do you want to see in your family? How do you want your family to relate to each other? Include personal qualities and attitudes you think are important. Include behavior. Include ‘stop doing’ and ‘start doing.’ Include anything you want for your family.

Write everything down. It’s your dream list, so dream. No one else will see it. Leave some space around each item since you’ll write more later.

Take whatever time you need to think about it. It will be worth it. You can stop when you feel like you’ve got 90% of it down.

Now look over your list. Can you have a clear conscience that your desires for your family are also in the best interest of your family? Mark off anything that seems selfish on your part.

What you now have is your heartbeat for what you feel is best. These are your hopes and dreams for your family. Have you ever seen this all in one place before? How does it feel?

2. Now think of obstacles

The fun just ended.

For each item on your list, think of things that are preventing fulfillment. Distance. Money. Attitudes. Health. Time. Opportunity. “The past.” Think of all the reasons why that part of the dream isn’t true or can’t come true.

This is where your family dreams face reality. Even if the obstacle isn’t real and is just in someone’s head or is a misunderstanding, it counts if it interferes with the dream. Adding all this up could get depressing so play some upbeat music, snarf a favorite snack, and don’t do this part late at night.

Take your time. Don’t think of how to overcome the obstacles, just define them.

3. Go through your list and mark the items you have most influence over

Which parts of your dreams for your family can you realistically influence and how much can you influence it? This is where you balance the blunt reality of obstacles with realistic hope for overcoming those obstacles.

If your dream is for your husband to be more appreciated at work, your influence on that is probably limited. Same with your dream for your parents to stop hoarding.

But you probably can have tremendous influence if your dream is for brothers and sisters at home to get along better.

The people who influence us most are those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly – Oswald Chambers

If your dream is for your grown kids living on the other side of the country to move to your city, your influence is probably limited.

But if your dream is for those same kids to feel love, acceptance, and more of a family connection, you can potentially contribute greatly to that.

You might give a score to your potential influence. ‘One’ or ‘two’ or ‘three’ or something for each dream item. Or stars. Mark them some way so that you can tell at a glance where you can most make a difference.

4. Now pick one goal where you can make the biggest difference right now

Look through your dream list, at the obstacles, and at the items marked where you have the most influence. Which of these would make the biggest difference in your family right now, even with just a little progress?

Pick a goal that’s easy and that has the best chance of some success. Don’t make it big and difficult – keep it simple so you can see some progress and get some momentum.

5. Get creative and think of ten little practical things to do for that goal

Call it your Itty Bitty list. No big ideas or you’ll stress over them or procrastinate or talk yourself out of it. Small. Easy. Positive. Non-attention-getting.

It could be a favor you do for someone. Or an attitude that you model.

For example, for once you don’t let a certain something bug you like it usually does. Or you don’t raise your voice. You let someone go first or have the biggest or you let them win. You don’t argue. You smile.

Maybe a ‘just thinking of you’ text or phone call with no other agenda. Or a brief encouraging word about someone’s attitude or behavior or appearance. Something meaningful enough to feel, but so small that no one really notices. You know, itty bitty.

6. Do one of those things every day for three weeks

Each day decide which thing to do from your Itty Bitty list. Of course you can do more than one thing if you want. Just keep it simple.

Try this and see what you notice after three weeks. Are you encouraged? Has anything changed, just a little? Has anyone noticed anything? Have you moved an inch closer to the goal you picked?

Once you’ve tried this for three weeks, you can go back to #4 and pick a different goal and make another Itty Bitty list of ten little practical things for that goal. Maybe you’d also try more than one goal at a time. But when you first start, keep it simple and small.

What questions, suggestions, or encouragement for others do you have?

Here’s how to find the hidden treasure buried in your family:

1. Walk into your bathroom.

2. Look in the mirror.

Your family’s hidden treasure is you. Well, actually your presence. There’s a subtle difference between you and your presence.

Your presence is God’s access to your family

You and me ourselves have proven pretty feeble change agents in our families, wouldn’t you say? What good have you caused by the power of your will and personality and wisdom alone? For me, not much.

Ahhh, but God’s presence through us goes places we can’t touch, places we don’t even know exist. Sure he can do that all by himself without you. But he created families as a place for us to influence each other while cooperating with him.

You . . . your family . . . you IN your family . . .

No accident.

I know what you’re thinking: “Aren’t there some other big strong grownups in this family that should model and cooperate with God too?” Oh yes. But right now it starts with you. And you’re enough to start with.

During our daughters’ Compassion child sponsorship trip last week, it was clear everyone assumed the difference one child could make in a family:

While changed circumstances sometimes change people, changed people always change circumstances.

One changed child eventually changes a family. A changed family will influence change in its church. Enough changed churches will transform a community. Changed communities change regions. Changed regions will in time change entire nations

– Wes Stafford

Do you believe that?

Because if big changes in a family can start with one little kid, what kind of changes can start with one big strong grownup actively cooperating with God?

Be the grownup cooperating with God

Don’t default to the common, “Well I tried and they just won’t change” or “Things can’t change because _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite reason). You’re better than that. God is bigger than that. You just haven’t seen how, yet.

Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge – Colossians 2.3

Christ in you, the hope of glory – Colossians 1.27

And if he is in you, where are those treasures? In you. And where are you? In your family.

That person in your bathroom mirror is God’s access to your family to influence them towards the things he has in mind.

Fortunately, since the things are in his mind, then the burden is on him to make it happen. You get the privilege of cooperating with God and watching what he does.

Put your family, your role, and the results, in God’s hands and lighten up

Realize the great power that comes from a peaceful attitude of trust. Find moments to give genuine attention knowing it’s an act of love and an act of curiosity about what God is up to in each family member.

These are the first attitudes and acts of a person cooperating with God, no matter what family you’re in. This is the beginning of modeling for your family. And these are things that can become contagious.

Then after a bit of peace and trust, attention and curiosity, you begin to notice more specific things God is up to in your family and you get more ideas for little ways to cooperate.

When have you seen an attitude  become contagious?

You start with a desire for your family to be headed in a good direction. Well that’s easy, we all want that!

Then you do a tough internal thing: you accept your family unconditionally, and accept your role to influence them on purpose. Hmm, even without them accepting the same thing? Well, OK, but yes that is tough.

What’s next? Something you can do a little bit of every single day.

Let’s say you and I are talking. I look you in the eye and sincerely ask a few insightful questions about something you did, why you did it, how it made you feel, and what you wanted to see happen. I listen and ask a question and listen some more. You do most of the talking.

You can tell if my questions and curiosity are driven by duty, or by my own self-interest, or to catch you at something, or to gather gossip. You can tell if I’m trying to get credit for seeming interested.

And you can tell if I’m curious because I really am interested in you, and because I think my curiosity is going to be satisfied by discovering something worthy from you. When someone does this with me I feel honored. I feel they care. I feel I must be valuable. And I remember who it was that made me feel that way.

Be curious and sincerely care, listen without pushing or having an agenda, do it consistently in the little moments, and your family will feel honored and valuable, too. They’ll feel loved. And they’ll remember who made them feel that way.

Curiosity + attention = love

When you feel honored, valuable, and loved, what happens? You calm down. Your self-protective exterior gets soft. You lose the urgency to win and prove yourself and be right. You feel a bit generous and unselfish.

How does a calm, soft, generous, unselfish family sound to you? Genuine curiosity and attentiveness move you in that direction, moment by moment.

No, most of the time you don’t sit down with family members and give each other your undivided attention in a conversation. It’s a good idea and sometimes you do it, but family life is usually as-you-go. Many little moments add up.

What does your attention and curiosity lead you to discover? What do you see when your curiosity is satisfied?

You see inside a soul. You learn who they are and how they feel and why they do and think what they do. You hear their heartbeat.

Curiosity + attention = vision

The vision is NOT your vision for that person. It’s a vision that’s already present apart from you. You can’t see the whole thing, but you get hints from the heartbeat that you hear in the soul. You get a clue that something is going on, and if you stay curious and attentive you begin to gather dots to connect.

This is a privileged place. God is up to something in this person that he created, and you’re getting a little peak at what he’s up to. When this person is a family member and you love them, an awesome honor presents itself: the honor of cooperating with God in what he’s doing in someone you love.

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out – Proverbs 20.5

Here’s where the ground can get loose. You don’t know everything that’s going on, and you can easily mix in your own ideas and desires with what you think you see. This cooperation needs to be done with humility, since we all hardly know what God is up to even in our own selves.

A man’s steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way? – Proverbs 20.24

We all need help understanding our way. Wouldn’t you love to have someone who cared enough to commit to cooperating with what God is doing in you? Your family would love to have the same thing – and they do: you.

When was the last time you felt loved by someone giving you attention and sincere curiosity?