Feeling weak?

It’s the issue in your family you can’t get around. You’re not big enough or smart enough to fix it. It’s the insults, the hardships, the difficulties. Maybe it even feels like persecution. You’ve prayed and asked God to make you strong and adequate but he doesn’t seem to hear.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

– 2 Corinthians 12.8-10

Before I believed in Jesus, in the middle of my beer-drinking days, my wife bought an album by a little-known gospel group. On the album they sang, “He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater, he sendeth more strength as our labors increase . . .”

As a lost beer-drinker I listened to that song over and over without telling anyone and without understanding the appeal of God’s sufficiency. Apparently he’s built the ability to respond to that appeal into each of us and into each of our family members. Our job is to let him be sufficient.

My weakness is not an obstacle to God. But my strength can be. I can have my strength or his, but not both at the same time.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

– He Giveth More Grace

In trouble? Need peace?

You cry. You live with questions and sorrow. Your world seems full of problems. Maybe your family seems scattered and separated from God. You can’t see peace until these problems and trouble are solved.

In me you may have peace.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

– John 16.33

I love it when things have calmed down and the problems have quieted and things seem to be working. I call that peace. It’s not. It’s just external calm. Peace is when things are calm in the center – in the middle of my heart right in the middle of trouble and problems and noise.

If peace comes because my world is calm and under control, then my peace is at the mercy of the condition of my world. But if my peace comes from Jesus overcoming my troubled world – even when that world hasn’t been changed yet – then all I have to do is take heart.

The lifeboat is safe and overcomes the storm. Just get in.

How can trouble and weakness be good for your family?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 15.

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On my desk at work is a small sign that says, “Jesus is the Answer.” I was inspired to get it by a friend who has the same sign on his desk. Sometimes people ask him, “The answer to what?” And he answers, “What’s the question?”

In your heart is a place where you think about your hopes and dreams for your family. You could put that same sign in that place.

Here are some questions Jesus is the answer to when it comes to your family. You’ll have to decide if this is just Bible talk, or if these are real promises from a real Person who always keeps his promise.

Do you need rest?

Rest from hard work? From family responsibilities? From disappointment? From lack of appreciation or credit? Rest from feeling like you need to hold everything together? Rest from hopelessness or drudgery?

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

– Matthew 11:28-30

When I feel deep weariness pushing me into negativity, I remind myself – sometimes out loud – that Jesus promises rest when I come to him. Does my deep weariness mean I haven’t come to him? If my burden feels heavy, where has that come from? He says the heaviness is not from him.

This kind of ‘rest’ doesn’t mean you stop working at things. You’re still active and putting out effort. But your effort comes from trust in Jesus’ energy, and you’ve dropped carrying the burden for how it all turns out. Yes, you can find rest in the middle of great effort.

Over time, this kind of rest becomes contagious in a family. Sure you might talk about it, but the biggest way it spreads is by family members attracted by the rest they observe in you.

Do you need strength?

Maybe you’re all the cliches: out of gas, end of your rope, can’t go on, done for, dog tired, no more to give, running on empty, plus you’re trying to squeeze blood from a turnip . . . 

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

– Isaiah 40.31

When I feel exhausted, sometimes (not often enough) I ask God, does this mean I’m not waiting on you? And by an act of my will I say that I will wait and trust him and believe that he wants to give the strength I need.

To me, waiting is not sitting down and drumming my fingers. I cease my expectation of finding any more strength in myself and pick up the expectation that any more will have to come from him.

This is usually a transaction that takes only a few seconds, but it’s a definite act of my will by faith. Sometimes it’s only a word – Lord? And I find the strength I need – not indefinitely – but for the immediate thing at hand.

Always surprises me, but never should.

Sometimes the best thing for your family is for YOU to find rest and strength.

What would most benefit your family right now FROM YOU – rest or strength? What’s one small step you could take right now to move in that direction?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 14.

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“We must begin thinking like a river if we are to leave a legacy of beauty and life for future generations.” – David Brower

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 12.

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So who else wins a Lifetime Achievement Award and then uses it as a chance to make it about you and me?

A glitzy self-aware industry celebration is transformed into a calm gathering of generosity and appreciation. Imagine the same transformation in your family.

Here are four things I learned from Mr Rogers about creating calm and gratitude in our families:

1.  Be the same person always. This is the same Mr. Rogers you see publicly and privately. It take a lot of emotional energy when your family has to work to know which ‘you’ will show up, and to know which you is the real you. Keep it simple and humble and honest.

2.  BE calm, don’t just talk about it; and the same with generosity, gratitude, patience, selflessness, and all the stuff we wish for our family. Mr. Rogers doesn’t teach it, it just comes out of him. Talking goes to the head, BEing goes to the heart and inspires.

3.  Give credit to others when you deserve it. Especially when you deserve it. “So many people have helped me come to this night.” We all naturally know this feels better than taking credit. Your family will copy you; you’ll never need to teach or lecture.

4.  Help your family give credit. “Ten seconds of silence. I’ll watch the time.” Create opportunities and expectations for your family to purposefully express gratitude for the help of others. Make it seem normal.

The message starts at :42. You can read the brief transcript after the video,  but you’ll miss FEELING the message in Mr Rogers’ presence.

So many people have helped me to come to this night.

Some of you are here. Some are far away. Some are even in heaven.

All of us have special ones who have loved us into being.

Would you just take, along with me, ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are?

Those who have cared about you and wanted what was best for you in life.

Ten seconds of silence. I’ll watch the time . . .

Whomever you’ve been thinking about, how pleased they must be to know the difference you feel they’ve made.

– Fred Rogers

Who has loved you into being, and helped you become who you are?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 11.

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My wife is selling a desk

A buyer is coming to see it.

She’s asking $125. Before he gets here I role-play with her. “I’ll give you $75.” One-ten she says. We go back-and-forth like that on a few different prices.

He gets here and likes the desk. “Would you take . . . ” – alright, here comes the beat down.

One-fifteen?

Uhhh. Sure!

He unfolds the cash and starts talking about how he’ll get the desk in his little car.

Brenda pipes up, “You know what? I’ll take a hundred. OK?”

He’s confused. He stammers like Brenda did, “Uhhh, sure!”

Later, she says she could tell he wanted to say one hundred when he first came in but he just couldn’t.

He won by losing

Because he didn’t ask for more, and was willing to lose on the price, she felt free to give him what he didn’t ask for.

When you start to open a door and there’s resistance, what do you do? Push harder.

And when you’re on the other side and a door is opening into you, it’s the same – you naturally push back.

But when the pusher lets up, so do you.

It’s not just money. Think of anything in your family where some kind of persuading is going on, say where there’s disagreement on a new house or planning a vacation or where to eat tonight.

You can make things a negotiation to get the best “deal” and you’ll get the consequences of that: a deal of some kind. Or you can make things about being human and get the consequences that go with that: some kind of connection and affirmation.

Want the best deal? Want to get your way? Try to win. Make the deal the goal.

Want connection and bonding? Be willing to lose on the deal. Make bonding the goal.

You get to pick.

When have you experienced winning by losing?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 10.

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The restroom was the cleanest I’ve ever seen in a fast food place

I even looked for a urinal to make sure I wasn’t accidentally in the ladies room! Plants were perched on a table in the corner, and the whole thing smelled like forsythia. Brenda said the women’s restroom was the same.

When we finished our cajun biscuit and seasoned fries, Brenda found the lady doing the cleaning and told her what a great job she was doing. The lady glowed and said she only works one day a week and tries to do things special. Brenda made sure she knew it was.

So after being complimented and encouraged, do you think she started slacking off?

Encouragement wins. When someone tells you something specific and positive about who you are or how you do something, doesn’t it make you be or do that even more?

I did an experiment with the grand-kids once

They were picking at dinner and I wondered if they’d finish. So I tried something.

Firmly and enthusiastically I said, “I can’t believe how great you guys are eating! Look at that!”

They smiled. Then each one grabbed their fork to take another bite.

I held a spoon to my mouth like a microphone and started announcing loudly, “What an incredible performance we’re witnessing tonight! Never before seen in the annals of eating!”

They laughed and ate some more. I kept egging them on and they kept eating. Every bite became an amazing achievement, another milestone. It was positive, fun, and they felt like they were accomplishing something. Five minutes later they were done.

Every one of us has a secret superpower . . .

The power to encourage. Encouragement energizes and inspires. Encouragement wins.

What do you spend more time doing in your family — correcting and pointing out shortcomings, or encouraging?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 9.

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Low expectations

Looooooooow. Let other families go to the moon. You just walk down the sidewalk a few feet. Go to the moon later.

Baby steps. Little things. Brief, but regular.

Generosity. Give.

Honesty. Encouragement. Positive.

Call. Or text. Short. “I was just thinking of you . . . thought I’d say hi.” Keep it light with emoticons. Then again in a few days or weeks. Over time, make short, positive touches a normal thing. Start there.

Stay away from the past, controversy, drama.

Grace wins.

Patience wins.

Find one thing

Find one true, positive, unique, good thing about a member of your family that you want to touch.

Then tell them that one thing. Again, call or text or email. In-person’s even better. Short. No big discussion. Short leaves less time for misinterpretation and for things to go wrong.

“You know, you really . . . look great . . . do that well . . . take care of things around here . . . make an awesome meat loaf . . .”

Or “I love the way you . . .” But again, it’s gotta be true.

Find one thing, then later another, then another.

You can’t start a fire without a spark. Then some kindling. Big logs later.

If you had to find one true, good thing right now, what would it be and who would it be to?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 8.

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“It’s not fair.” No it’s not. Forget ‘fair.’

Kids are the kings of fair. They may be primitive little creatures but their ‘fair meter’ is MIT-sophisticated. You could spend all day as a parent being the judge of fair, but you don’t because you know fair is impossible.

Then we forget that fair is impossible for the adults in our family, too. Say hello to arguments and bitterness and estrangement. 

Generosity is the cure for ‘fair’

Generosity wins because it implies there’s enough of whatever you’re generous in to go around. Maybe it’s love, attention, time, money, or mashed potatoes. If there’s enough to go around then you can afford to be generous. With plenty to go around everyone can relax. If everyone can relax then the fight for fair fizzles.

Usually the only time you keep score is if you think it helps you win. No one keeps score if they think it will help them lose.

Here’s one score that’s good to keep. Embrace this idea yourself and a radicalization of your family relationships might begin:

Whoever experiences the most unfairness, wins

You WANT to win this score. Be a ruthless competitor.

To win, you must out-generous and out-grace the others. If someone else experiences more unfairness, you have to fix it by making it more fair to them and less to you.

With the measure you use, it will be measured to you – Luke 6.38

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace – Ephesians 4.2

Do nothing from rivalry, but in humility count others more significant than yourself Philippians. Let each look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others – Philippians 2.3

Err on the side of too much grace and generosity. You can never be taken advantage of if your goal is to out-give and out-generous everyone else. At any point where things are unfair and to your ‘detriment,’ you win, since that’s what you want.

And the ultimate generosity is when you don’t expect anyone else to be generous, and they know it, and they’re inspired. Then generosity really wins.

Who’s the most generous person in your family?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 7.

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That’s me in my grandmother’s back yard. Their home was way different than ours. Sensible. Orderly. Quite a contrast and I noticed.

Our house was stressful and chaotic. Theirs felt peaceful and normal. I think they showed me peaceful and normal on purpose.

We washed windows and made tea. Little oasis moments in a little oasis place with oasis people.

A bit of purposeful, positive oasis-making can start with anyone. Doesn’t have to be a grandmother. It can be mom. Or dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin.

Best time to start is when the family is young. Next best time is now.

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 5.

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I drank three quarts of beer a day for fourteen years. I knew I’d never change – I tried too many times. It was hopeless.

It’s been 27 years since my last beer.

My wife Brenda suffered anxiety and lack of peace for more than a decade. She was a peace-less Christian.

She’s been experiencing the peace and rest of Jesus for fifteen years.

She prayed for ten years for me to believe in Jesus. This month makes 25 years since I believed.

Five years ago the Nester’s family had $150,000 in business debt. Hopeless. Today she’s debt free and just bought a little farm.

One family in the Bible was about as dysfunctional a train wreck as a family could be. Murder. Adultery. Rape. They were Jacob’s kids. The twelve tribes of Israel. The family Jesus came from.

Patience is not weenie wishing and hoping. Patience is not pretending.

Patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us

– Henri Nouwen

Because I see these kinds of things God does over time, I can be patient.

I know what can happen and how things can change, no matter how it looks now.

Seen any little hidden things manifested in your family through patience?

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A Family Like Yours is 31 Days of encouragement to help you appreciate, influence, and love the family you have (no matter what).

This is day 4.

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